Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
