Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
