just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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