They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
