i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
