i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
