Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
