i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
