Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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