just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
im holly from the hills drunk
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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