forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
