Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
