Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
