Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
