why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
