So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
