put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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