Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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