my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
