I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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