considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
