tonight lets celebrate not being married
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
