do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
