we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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