i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Everyone says I win the strip club
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
