i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
