Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
