He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We left an ass print on the piano.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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