Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know ð
when your dumb AF ex âaccidentallyâ venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... âsorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
