you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We have so much sex to catch up on
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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