so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
