I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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