Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
