I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
