hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
