i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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