So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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