I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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