we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You ruined the universe
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
