Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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