this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
