Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
