Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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