i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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