I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
