Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
