Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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