My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
