oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
