just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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